[N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabbage

The home island and summer abode of the Raikothin. At it's heart lies the volcanic mountain known as Yaanek, famous in antiquity for the peculiar prophetic utterances of the Priests of Joy situated there.

Moderators: (Shireroth) Steward, (Shireroth) Kaiser

Post Reply
Simon B.E.

[N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabbage

Post by Simon B.E. »

My lord,

When I received your request to be of assistance in the West I thought I was truly blessed to have such a cunning lord. Together with Henry de Medici, the local alchemist I set off for the Coast of Cabbage where we acquired the most excellent plants, so strong that we had to wear gloves or the poison would damage the skin on our hands. I was unsure how we could prepare this so a Prince, used to eating the finest foods, would be willing to eat it and the alchemist said it was impossible. But then I remembered a trip our family had made to Nederburg when we were young, we had to eat a dish called zuurkoolstamppot by the Nederburgians, which is translated into English as "sour cabbage", it is made of white cabbage which is fermented with lactobacilles, which makes it sour and conserves it. It is then mixed with mashed potatoes and served with Nederburgian smoked sausage. I discussed this with the alchemist and he became excited and insisted it would work because the sour taste would mask the poison but the fermentation process would not damage the poison itself. I asked the alchemist to test this theory and he confirmed it a week later, showing me several dead dogs and one drooling tramp whose name was to be removed from the book of living within minutes.

A more difficult problem was how this poison was to be fed to the Prince himself, but Micras is a small place and I remembered that a lady I tend to meet when I am in Eliria is married to a former South Batavian finance minister, His Excellency Johan Gijs Steenberghe. Geertje Steenberghe was so dedicated to me that she expressed her wish to leave her husband and marry me many times, oftens disappointed when I showed reluctance. But let's not focus on my personal life, this finance minister used to assist Elijah Ayreon when the Prince of Elwynn was still the Viscount of Barbary. The Prince regularly had dinner with his former minister, often on Wednesday but also on other days and Geertje would then cook for the two of them but she would dine alone as the Prince of Elwynn is not keen on the company of women. When I met with her to discuss my plans with the Prince she informed me of her grieves. How her husband and the Prince would ignore her during their dinners and how she suspected the Prince to have an affair with her husband, I do not consider this to be a very reasonable theory, please keep that in mind. But when I offered to marry her and help her get rid of both the Prince and her husband so we could live comfortably on the inheritance she showered me with kisses and after a pleasurable night we made arrangements on how we would get her the prepared cabbage. She has sent me a letter informing me that she loves me dearly and how excited she is about our little scheme, she has expressed the wish to increase the weekly doses. Indeed, all things proceed as foreseen, to quote our tradition.

While I am not a sentimental man I ask you, my lord, to make arrangements that will ensure Geertje will be able to leave Western Elwynn without being harmed. And while I do not know many details of what has happened in Western Elwynn since my last visit to Geertje, I am concerned about her well being.

Your servant,

Simon Barentsz-Edward
4943 ASC, Jessvillia

User avatar
Kvani Neyin
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2012 7:58 pm

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by Kvani Neyin »

This is a disaster. I never ordered you to assassinate the Prince of Elwynn! My last order, directly before I left for Aekophan, was a request to set up a weather monitoring station on the west coast of your island. I have it right here in front of me:
Let it be formally [untranslatable] that the [series of numbers, significance uncertain] for Northern [Absentia?] shall institute an [untranslatable] such that [possibly something to do with the abstract concept of action] for [series of numbers, significance uncertain] in the Shining Garden. As I am sure you are aware, [untranslatable] [untranslatable] Adre Escherion's [untranslatable]. The scalar function of [untranslatable] will surely lead to [series of numbers, significance uncertain].
I'm honestly not sure how you could have possibly failed to understand that. I recommend that you set a steward and travel to Eliria to give a full apology to the government there and to make arrangements for your wife's well-being.

Kai Jackson

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by Kai Jackson »

OOC: Why not have Kvani Neyin speak a language that non-Raikothin can understand when around non-Raikothin? I don't even know why, but this badly-translated Neo-Meta-whatever-Kadhamic is ticking me off <_<

Alternatively (or perhaps complementarily), make a formal, documented conlang of Neo-Meta-whatever-Kadhamic? In that vein, note to self: Document how Safir telepathy works. Yes, even if you retroactively go mad in the process.

User avatar
ari
Grim Auxiliator
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 9:45 pm

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by ari »

Kai Jackson wrote:OOC: Why not have Kvani Neyin speak a language that non-Raikothin can understand when around non-Raikothin? I don't even know why, but this badly-translated Neo-Meta-whatever-Kadhamic is ticking me off <_<
Lord Furniture
Not even partially responsible for Malarboria; will take the blame for Caverden, though!
Tallest and therefore Greatest of the Janitors
Eternal Watcher of #micronations

Simon B.E.

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by Simon B.E. »

My lord,

How cunning of you to have used me to assasinate the Prince of Elwynn and then deny any knowledge of it! I am deeply impressed by it. If I may be allowed to give the smallest advise to my cunning lord, please do not use weather stations as a cover on this island. The daily messages I get from these weather stations are, each and every time "The weather is shitty and cold, please relocate us to Jessvillia" and one day either the Duke or the Western Elwynnese will intercept these messages, grow suspicious and learn about our scheme! But for now things are proceeding as foreseen, as you predicted the price of cabbage in Western Elwynn has hiked and we have been able to make a lot of money from it, especially after the crackdown on local cabbage syndicates in Elira. With the money I have bought a new shiny coat for you, I hope you appreciate the gift. We have also acquired new weapons and convinced even more of the fishermen to work for us. You have warned me against decadency but I must admit to buying considerable luxuries from the traders of Bjorngard, including stuffed Babkhan camel heads and Imperial Jingdaoese tea. You should visit me one time and I will have my cooks prepare the finest food for you. We could discuss the image of Prince Elijah turning around in his own vomit, screaming obscenities while we sip the finest Aragonese wine, I am sure we would have a great laugh!

Your loyal servant,

Simon Barentsz-Edward
4945 ASC, Jessvillia

P.S. I assume setting sail to Eliria right now was a joke?

User avatar
Scott Alexander
Posts: 1778
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:20 am

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by Scott Alexander »

Count Simon hadn't been informed of the quadrotor's approach until it landed just outside his mansion in Jessvillia. That meant he hadn't had time to prepare for the audience, assuming he could even have figured out how to prepare.

"Good evening," said the visitor. "I am Nayyi Talisrion, Priest of Beauty of the fifth rank. I've been asked to evaluate you for the Shining Garden."

"Evaluate me?" asked Simon. He didn't like where this was going.

"Yes. You continuously claim, over highly interceptable channels, to have received a message from the Archpriest that the Archpriest never sent. This is unfortunate. There are three possibilities. The first is that you are lying. The second is that you have been conned by an enemy who has cracked our codes and sent you a fake order presented as originating in Tala. And the third..."

"Yes?" asked Simon.

"The third is that out here, on this desolate, isolated island, full of so very many tempting cabbages, you may have, how shall we put it, somewhat lost touch with reality."

"Are you implying I'm crazy?" asked Simon.

"Not implying, evaluating," said Nayyi. "Let's start our cognitive assessment with a simple test of memory. The sort of questions any schoolboy might know."

"Go on..." said Simon.

"Just four questions," said Nayyi. "First, how many planets in our solar system and what are their names? Second, what is the tallest mountain on Micras? Third, in what year did Shireroth last declare its independence, and from whom? And last, who was Kaiser Raynor's father?"

Simon B.E.

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by Simon B.E. »

Simon looked at the priest and got a bit angry.

"I don't like where this is going, we have defeated the Prince! He has resigned! I would expect letters of admiration from the Shining Garden, monetary rewards, medals! Besides that I have never been a fan of astrology... But the father of Kaiser Raynor..? I know that I think, Nigel Mejillia or something like that... Shireroth was subjugated by Tymaria until it wasn't anymore... Look, I have no time for this, just tell me how much you ask for a positive evaluation."

Emir of Raspur

Re: [N-Absentia] Letter to my lord regarding Operation Cabba

Post by Emir of Raspur »

(OOC: Attempting to bribe a Raikothlin - oops. Defect now and claim a monetary prize and pardon in return for an elaborate confession)

Post Reply

Return to “Raikoth”